It felt like an almost never-ending series of dark nights, and months of the soul.
I found myself over hustling fruitlessly in quicksand to earn a living and more than burning out on my career. I was triggered by the anticipated loss of a parent and the ending of long-term relationship. I found myself playing small, hiding out as I could no longer sustain the exhausting pretending and my facade of "I'm all good," when I was so miserable and getting destroyed from the inside out by my limited perception of the world against me at the moment, and the convincing stories I was spinning. Looking back this was a good thing. But still a painful journey towards greater awareness.
I was suffering and hurting deep in my bones, disconnected, isolating and sitting alone with my insane mind, and sedating, becoming more and more anti-social. Inevitably, I felt the gravitational pull of everything falling apart, and I finally hit rock bottom, collapsing and stuck in the oh so uncomfortable powerless pit of hell. Good news as they say, there's only UP next.
I had been absolutely struggling with chaos, I'd gotten unexpected injuries for the first time and out of shape by my standards. How did this happen to me? How did all my poor choices compound to this victim outcome? I felt out of control and clinging desperately to any remaining aspects of my identity, not yet torched, and my past life slipping right through my fingers. Funny, because in some way I'd invited all this change into my life and it wasn't going down the way I would have preferred. I'd become pretty self-absorbed, loaded with self-doubt, empty of self-worth, respect and love, emasculated, and both laziness and lack of motivation had set in. I was failing at life and it was crushing my ego so hard, along with the biological sickness of feeling sluggish, sloppy and fatigue. My gas tank was on E. I couldn't rely on my usual strategies to self-soothe or distract from the pain. It was coming for me and I'd run out of buffers.
I was experiencing a pretty bad chronic bout of insomnia, anxiety, depression and shame, without stability and my dignity, stuck in the muck of mediocrity. I felt unrecognizable from the way I used to see myself. I'd even aged a bunch in the mirror and my ability to push things to the max was well, for the time being a new baseline of, gone.
I was praying for an escape or someone or something outside myself to be the solution I'd been searching for to finally save me, from myself, my hard-life stories and my traumas of the past that had resurfaced and weren't going away anytime soon. I was following this advice and that contradictory opinion being masked as facts, in all directions from so-called life experts and doctors prescribing meds that said they deeply cared, from afar, and at the time so-called friendships were falling by the wayside fast. I was getting more lost on my unclear path. Overwhelmed with stress and uncertainty, unmotivated and under-resourced, misunderstood as I strived to solve my dilemma, I was hijacking my health and well-being. The more I tried to escape and attempt outside help, the more the let downs when things didn't pan out, the more incapacitated I felt and less desire to get my hopes up for the next solution that might fail my best intentions and efforts.
BUT NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER....
But never underestimate the power of a discouraging downward spiraling nightmare and a painful, humbling crisis set in motion! At my lowest point I was forced to take an honest look inside myself, and was propelled to begin the journey out of my rut, through my fear, clearing away the wreckage of my past and letting life shape me into something new. If your life's turning upside down, how do you know if the new dimension soon to be isn't going to be better?
When nothing is sure, EVERYTHING is possible!
I got quiet enough to hear a voice inside me calling me forth with a massive list of specific actions to take in my life to start with cleaning up. A powerful and profound, soulful vision came to me, that of making the world a better place helping others at a much deeper level than I had ever before, starting first with myself having to go much deeper, AND A MUST in taking on a new lens and a stand of a new world view...OR I would not make it through this next stage of life. It's like I spent the first part of my life investing in building up this false identity, like a castle in the sand, and it was coming down, hard and fast, completely, whether I liked it our not. I could no longer let adversity define me, instead I had to give it new meaning (It's part of my path, let it just be, as what be, will be anyways), and I also got educated, big time where I most needed it in my self-love/self-care/self-responsibility. This process unfolded in such a messy, unorganized way. It was UGLY!
I was launched onto this new path by asking one simple unraveling question over and over and over:
Who am I, really?
Unless our limiting belief system changes and expands, we can't generate something new that we want to come into our lives. Your strong will can't make things come any closer. It's essentially blocked until the fresh, empowering perspective is allowed in to help us break-free.
Through a resurrection philosophy of rebuilding my new house from the ground up with a thin solid foundation layered upon another, a complex formula arose in my life that I now HAD to follow, for my life was no longer working, and really hadn't been. This list wasn't going to be easy, at all: getting honest with myself and transparent and vulnerable with my emotions with others in order to outwardly express the bottled-up and suppressed lifetime, in order to free myself of the past and present dilemma, exposing the full-truth of the hollow shell that I had become, facing my discomforting reality directly and bringing awareness to the problems holding me back, bringing a more consistent gratitude attitude and letting go and loosening up, getting beyond ego, bringing to the table tenderness, vulnerability and nurturing an open-heartedness, radiating a basic goodness, kindness and humor, having a healthy code of ethics, values and integrity to guide me from every fiber of my being, and developing strong, healthy boundaries too, hard, hard work, steadfast conviction and becoming honorable and uncompromising and impeccable with my word and deeds, self-discipline and exploration, rigorous authenticity and level of presence and nowness with key role models, and decisiveness back online, perseverance, and surrendering my desired outcomes.
...And then after many trials and tribulations things began to just shift.
I somehow miraculously managed to evoke a shift, flip the switch, begin recreating my new life, rediscover hope and resilience, and develop a drive to live fully in alignment with pursuing my inspiring life-purpose of helping others do the same.
And with this second chance, after what felt like such a massive fall and failure, I've dedicated my life to being a responsible guardian, holding space, collaborating and helping others discover and ingrain practical, no BS solutions to get out of similar tough places, to save themselves, level up and live their very best life. If you want help, reach out!
My gentleness, compassion and intuition come from having been there. You can learn from my mistakes and successes, and hard-earned wisdom, to stop breaking promises with yourself, limit the unnecessary frustrations and summit once seemingly impossible mountains, as we get to work on actualizing your dreams. Or choose to continue living a severely disempowered life, where bad stuff just keeps happening to you. It's not over until we win at this next stage of life, together. But you must be compelled to do the real work and COMMITTED!
Commitment is not an interest to change. That never works. There MUST BE A HAVE TO IN YOU! It's pulling the pin out of a grenade and fully committing to throwing it. All-in. No choice. Life is so fragile. you have everything to lose with inaction. DECIDE RIGHT NOW to get off the fence, and make things happen now, not tomorrow, and show up powerfully in your life! Your life is going to elevate and soar here!